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Quick rundown of current life.
College/uni
I just found out this afternoon I haven't been accepted onto my first choice course. Fashion Journalism at LCF. Gutted doesn't come close if I'm honest. That being said I saw it coming and getting down to the final 50 out of 2000 isn't too shabby, even if I do feel like a lump of cow shit right about now. See? Hows that for articulate? Clearly they made the wrong choice. *eyeroll*
College is going fine. Not great, but fine. My ED is kicking my arse at the mo and concentration just isn't happening. I'm behind on a couple of assingments, but Mary - my tutor - has been great. It was her idea to let her talk to a couple of my teachers and get extentions. Nevertheless makes me feel useless. 've never been one to envy others with ED's, but I do envy those who manage to maintain their work despite struggling. Just doesn't happen for me.
Eating, puking, restricting, losing.
All of that is going on right about now. I'm down to around 84lbs (6 stone) probably more like 87 if I were properly hydrated, but that seems to be quite the problem considering I'm purging pretty much daily. Usually two or three times. Not just purging, but binging too. I'm not someone who eats something small then feels the need to purge (though at the mo I probs would) but rather I binge on ridic amount then purge. We're talking 2500-4000 calries per time. Yeah. You get the idea. Seems insane that I'm losing weight. I was around 97 at Christmas, so thats a stone lost just since, almost entirely from purging.
I've been referred back to ED services, I thought it would be a few months because of waiting lists and what not, but apparently I'm considered 'severe'. Funny, doesn't feel that way.
It did a couple of weeks ago though. I got a call from the doctors telling me my bloods had came back and my potassium was really low. 2.8, which is considered really severe, 0.3 less and I would of had to go to hospital for a potassium drip. My GP's given me potassium pills to take though and they seem to have done the trick as it was up an entire point this week, 3.8 - putting me within the normal range. Hoorah!
The boyo
The sun was glorious yesterday.
My love
Still obsessed with the world of Fashion. Still adament it's what I want - and will - do. I've had my style reviews printed twice in Grazia within the past month. Thats spurred me on a bit. I want people to be reading page upon page of my work though, not a measly couple of sentences. I want it all. Right now. When I was younger I always thought that by 20 I'd have a career and be a success. Oh, youth. How I miss it. I really do. Life is too much a lot of the time. It's too full on, too big, too.. unattainable.
Well no, more like my dreams are. But anything other than reaching those dreams seems horrific. I need to lower my bar. But I can't seem to. I just find everything other than what I want depressing. It's a frustrating state of mind.
Yet again I've left this thing untouched for a long time. A lot has happened since my last update. Lets do a rundown in a nice orderly list.
College
Going back into education has been the singularly best thing I may of ever done. Unlike school, which was a messy affair of numerous expulsions (usually for nothing more than having a 'bad attitude', ie - refusing to bow down to the teachers despite them - or rather one in particular - treating me awfully) and not the best group of friends, college is poloes apart.
On my access course I'm studying English language, quanatie methods (maths) and psychology. Some unit 1 grades have just been given back and I've managed a distinction in both English and Maths, aswell as achieving the hghest overall mark in my clas in English. Woop!
My tutor has a definite soft spot for me. Our first assingment was one in which we had to write about a life changing experience, I chose me in the throes of anorexia.. it turned out pretty great actually, didn't realise I could be so brutally honest. I got the highest mark in my class, a 79.
I've also got a great new group of friends who are rather fantastic. I'm seen as the blonde who's never out of 5" heels but who also manages to have a brain (shock horror!) It's all rather good.
Uni
I've applied! 4 choices are in London, 3 of them being at London College of Fashion and one at uni met. The other is in Manchester. All are either Fashion journalism, fashion buying or fashion marketing and journalism.
My god I hope I get in somewhere.
My personal statement plus the references from my tutors were all exceptionally good, hopefully this will help the cons of having no qualificiations (I was in IP)
Fashion
I'm still as obsessed as ever. Sending off an application for Lookbook and immediately getting accepted was very much a highlight of December. Ha! I'm awful at taking photos of myself though - 'arty' ones that is. However I've been practising.
I've already started summer clothes shopping. I'm loving this summer already. Acid wash and bright colour blocks especially. I've spend the winter in a rather gorgeous combination of navies, greys and lots of red. (See below) So I'm looking forward to a change. Though my love of monochrome will always be here no matter what.
My favourite purchase of 08?
Gucci ankle boots!
Dear lord do I love them.
See how I fail at Lookbook taking photos? Deary! That skirt needs to be tighter, its out of shape after so much wear.
Bad old ED's
Things have slipped rather a lot on that front. I'm currently at my lowest weight since bieng out of IP (which is coming up to almost 3 years ago unbelievable, still feels like not all that long ago) and hovering around 6 and a half stone (91lbs). I've been bp'ing more than ever before, over xmas it got really bad, aswell as restricting.
Last week I finally went to my GP (mostly because my mum and boyfriend are overly worried, my mum actually broke down in tears the other week, I understan it must be hard for her, she's worrying I'm going to get as ill as I once was - IM NOT.) I was honest with her and she advised I be reffered to the adult ED services. I suppose I'm ok with that. I want to be ok for going off to uni. At the same time I also believe I won't ever let myself get 'really' sick again. I've got too much I want to do that can't be done with an ED stood so firmly alongside.
Is it so wrong that I look at this pic of me and think ''Well really bony shoulders and gucci boots go together!''
Probably, but there you go!
This tee make me happy. Boy bought it for me in Selfridges (aswell as an awesomely gorgeous red vivienne westwood bag) when we had a trip to London late November.
Want, want, want.
xxxx
FRIENDS ONLY
COMMENT TO BE ADDED
It hurt because it took me back to my school years.
There were always a few girls in the year above (and a couple in mine too come to think of it) who would make bitch remarks about me 'being up my own arse' or in love with myself. Clearly I must be doing something to make them think this way, but for gods sake open your eyes a bit further!
I'm over it now. The people who know me properly know I'm far from 'in love with myself'.
Ahh well. Nothing a bit of retail therapy didn't sort.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if you got prescribed retail therapy? Like it was part of your recovery process.. Dear lord that would be brilliant.
I was supposed to be going through to Teesside park today wtih my mum for Starbucks and magazines in Borders. Its waht we normally do on a Tueday. But her car was getting MOT'd and by the time she got it back she had to go to her ED carers support group (a group she started a year or so ago). Never mind.
x
For a friend going through a crisis over which skirt to buy (haha)
And for kicks a colour edited one
Oh for gods sake. Why can't I have skinny legs without being at a dangerous weight? Honestly. Why can't all my leg weight go into my ass or boobs. DAM THE WORLD.
Lolz.
Thats a bit over dramatic.
In the past two days I've had two seperate comments on me and Alexa Chung. The first was a compliment, I was told my dress and ankle boots combo was 'very Alexa' in a style community here on LJ.
The second however.. hahaaha...
I was in town shopping earlier wearing a floral mini-ra-ra, opaque black tights, a leather jacket, pink scarf and ankle boots, I passed a group of 15-17 year old girls and one muttered ''Who does she think she is, Alexa Chung?''
Hahahahaha. Bitches. I took it as a compliment, Alexa has been an inspiration since the popworld days, before she became a style 'icon'.
I took a dress back to Topshop (not my 5 hour one! A different one that was just way too sheer) and some wedges back to River. Whilst there I bought some huge sunnies that make me look like a fly and a battered gold bangle. I also bought a white cotton blazer from (believe it or not) Dorothy perkins (!) they've started doing 6's now and after having a look around 've decided they've made a huge change recently, there was some fairly nice things.
A girl I knew when I was younger was working there and has invited me to her leaving do on Saturday as she's moving abroad. It would be th perfect opportunity to get some wear out of my dress, but I'm not sure.. its at a rather rough place and I don't want it to go to waste. Bahaha, I'm such a snob.
Me - doing what I do best.
It's hard to be rational about it and think that no Hannah, they're not lying to you, they truly think you're slim. Or skinny, or whatever other word they use.
I can't lie and say I don't like it. Theres always going to be a little glee inside of me. But still.. the more people in general talk about weight/size the more I think about it.
I just wish it was less important. That it didn't take such a huge chunk of my time thinking about it. I want to be thinking of things that actually matter.
We were informed today that starting the end of April we're going to have to wear the new Summer T-shirts at work.
THEY'RE BRIGHT FUCKING YELLOW.
Stylish ey?
NO.
Still, at least I'm not my assistant manager. She's a red head. Red heads wearing yellow... bahahaha. Oh thats a bit mean, ahh well, shes a bitch at times.
I haven't weighed myself in 11 days. Which is good. In general I tend to do 'better' (with recovery that is) when I'm weighing less. Me weighing everyday is a rather good indicator of getting pulled in.
Le sigh, I feel rather down.
x
Jesus christ I hate my legs. Sorry for the blurred out faces, its not a privacy thing, more a 'I only got 4 hours sleep, shopped all day and look like hell'' thing.
Working this afternoon, I can't complains since I've been off since Saturday. I was supposed to got to a staff meeting last night, we're getting new cakes and frapps in and we were supposed be 'testing' them. Yeah... wasn't up for that. I work at Starbucks in case you haven't guessed.
x
March '06 - March '07
Making the transition from being in hospital to being back home was harder than I'd ever believed. Going from having a routine and the familiarity of the people around me to coming back home and friends and family wanting to see me was just... too much.
I isolated myself. Completely and utterly. I barely left the house to be honest. I couldn't accept my new body. My ED had shifted, going from anorexia and at times b/p'ing to a mad messy array of EDNOS.
I became nocturnal, staying awake til 5am then going to sleep till 1pm the next day. I was depressed and had awful socail anxiety.
It's weird though, I don't remember much about this time. I remember how awful I felt on my 18th birthday though. I put on the biggest act at pretending was happy, healthy, 'all better'. Looking through the photos of the meal we'd all went for to celebrate made me feel rather disgusted.
Gradually I got slightly better. Started going out a little bit more. By Christmas '06 I was a little happier. I'd got back with my boyfriend and his love of my body and how it was helped somewhat. We went away for a weekend and stayed in a hotel and had sex non-stop. It gave me a huge boost of confidence. I guess thats one thing my 'curves' did give me.. I felt sexier.
I still battled with my ED, but I told myself that if I kept on trucking I'd soon start feeling better, start liking my body at its set point weight (around 112 - 115lbs / 8st - 8st 3).
May '07 - August '07
My cousin and I decided to book a holiday to Greece to go and see my cousin who was working/living over there. I told myself I needed to lose a few if I didn't I knew I wouldn't allow myself to go.
I ended up getting down to 100lbs (7st 2) by mid July.
My mum had made a few comment during this time, warning glances and trying to talk to me. She knew I was restricting, it was hard not to. I shrugged it off assuring her I was fine.
The holiday was ok. The restricting had taken it's toll though, my energy was lacking and I couldn't just stop.
I remember the day I came back. I hadn't seen my boyfriend for over 2 weeks as he'd went on holiday just before me.
We were snuggled up in bed, he'd been quiet all night. He made a comment about me 'losing my bum'
Ahh, so my weight loss really was noticable..
My mum and dad went on holiday a couple weeks later and I had the house to myself. Suffice to say I binge purged a lot in this time. I felt like hell and I knew then I was relapsing.
By early August my weight had dropped to 94lbs (6st 10)
I begun arguing with my S (my boy) and we split up. I was heartbroken. Usually when I finished him we'd get back together within a couple of days.. this time he wasn't interested.
It was such a new feeling to me. Usually it was me that controlled our realtionship and all of a sudden he'd taken control? I couldn't stop crying.
I ended up having some long in depth talks with my mum. About S, about me, about my ED.
I realised I was getting too far in, to a place where its impossible to get out of. I knew that place well, I'd been in it for a long time 2 years prior and I didn't want to go back in it.
August '07 - Present.
I begun gaining weight. I didn't let myself think about it, I just did it. It was somehow easier that way.
By October I was feeling a lot better. I even ended up getting back with S. He explained how scared he's been, how he couldn't handle seeing me starve myself like I'd done before, that it wasn't just about how it made me look but about how it changed my personality (he's right, I'm quite the moody bitch when I'm restricting!)
In November I started working. Its been nice having something to get up and do every day. Plus it makes me feel less guilty when I blow £80 on a new pair of shoes and not think twice :S
I dropped a few pound in December, I always tend to as I think I'll gain from Christmas (? - I'm ridiculous, normal people may gain, ED'd people don't)
Since then I've maintained my weight, well, almost. I'm usually 102-105lbs (7st 4 / 7st 7) I still occasionally restrict, still occasionally b/p but overall, I'm in a much better place. I'd love it if I could recover fully. To let go of ALL ED'd behaviours and let my weight be at its natural setpoint but I can't see that happening anytime soon to be honest.
My hope is that with summer on it's way I don't lose the plot again. It all to easy to cut my intake slightly and just.. get used to it. Until it bites you on the ass and you end up b/p'ing that is!
x
Can I also point out that I'm aware how 'sob story' this whole thing sounds. I'm not writing it for anyones benefit apart from my own so if you're reading rolling your eyes thinking ''oh so what'' thats fine, just don't comment saying so. Not that anyone has! Just putting that out there!
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September '05 - March '06
I could type pages and pages about my experience being inpatient. But I won't, I'll attempt to keep it brief and perhaps add some tales in some other time.
I rather quickly adjusted to life as a patient. Thats not to say I found myself 'fitting in'. The unit wasn't specifically just for ED'd patients, it was a adolescent mental health unit, so there were people with all sorts of other mental illnesses. Schizophrenia, phsychosis etc.. To be honest at first I was rather frightened of the other patients. I mean yes, I suppose I was mentally unwell, but despite my ED taking over mylife in many ways there was still some of my former self in there. The girl who jokes, gossips and has a passion for fashion. When I went it there was only 2 other anorexic patients both incredibly different personality wise to myself. Extremely shy, very 'typical anorexic' (Sorry for the generalisation, but eh, you know what I mean). E was especcially annoying. The guilt trips she pulled was just.. unreal.
My therpist had once told me I was the least typical anorexic she'd ever met. She was right in a lot of ways. I didn't/don't fit into many of the streotypical brackets. I'm rather glad.
I was quite pally with a lot of the nurses, I think they felt for me. Yeah I was ill, I was underweight but I wasn't clinically insane (the same couldn't be said for most other patients).
I liked the routine IP brought me. I knew what I'd be doing and when day in day out. It gave me the perfect excuse to get away from the real world.
Anorexia makes you devious and manipulative. My god did hospital bring this out in me. The things I done to get away with having less calories now makes me laugh.
The food was.. beyond hideous. No really. I mean christ, if I was going to be eating at least give me something fucking tasty! It was bland as shit.
For a long time I couldn't bring myself to constanty be gaining weight everyday, so I'd fuck with my meal plan so that I was actually maintaining then twice a week I'd binge, so that I was still gaining just 'on my own terms'. Despite the outcome being the same - gaining weight - this somehow gave me a sense of control.
A couple months in my stay we had 2 new anorexic patients S and L. Both had been in previously and been re-admitted. S was a lot like E (the annoying one) so I set myself apart from her. L however was a sweet girl. I still text her occasionally.
Towards the end of my stay I begun binging (and at times purging) I'd got up to my 'safe weight' and hated my body. Therapy in hospital was almost non existent, therefore my body had recovered way way ahead of my head.
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I'll leave that there as my eyes are beginning to tire.
x
So since I already have a present day diary online I thought for now I could use this to jot down my past. What better wat to start than with the evolution of my ED history.
April '04
I was a healthy 15 year old girl. I was a dancer. I was slightly heavy for my age but that was mostly down to having a lot of muscle through dancing and developing earlier than my peers, I weighed around 124lbs putting my bmi around 22.
I decided I wanted to 'lose a bit of weight'. I started a healthy eating plan, cutting out unhealthy snacks, monitered my fat intake and begun exercising more. Back in those days I had no idea what a calorie was (oh the good ol' days!) I didn't count them and just went by what foods were low fat.
By the summer time I'd slimmed down. I was probably around 8 stone (112lbs) I was toned as hell through more exercise ontop of my dancing and the thus compliments flooded my way. Which I ofcourse loved.
September - December '04
It was at one of my many gym visits I noticed the machines counted calories. Thus began my love/hate relationship with calories. I begun counting these now. It was also in September the first time I ever purged. I'd remembered reading about it in a magazine and thinking 'well, I could do that'. I ate a bunch of biscuits then bent over the toilet and made myself sick. I remember it being truly awful. It would be a while before I purged again! I set myself a goal of being 7 stone (98lbs) by Christmas.
I reached my goal. I remember going to the gym with my mum, standing on the scales and seeing 7 stone. I remember saying to my mum - ''Its weird, I'm the skinniest I've ever been yet I'm not the happiest''. I suppose I'd always assumed the more weight I'd lost the happier I'd be. But the restriction had taken its toll by this point, the lack of fat in my diet had left me depressed (not that I realised this at the time) I'd stopped socialisng as much and became more and more entrenched in my 'diet'.
February '05
Although I hadn't planned on it I'd ended up losing a bit more weight after Christmas (I'd convinced myself I'd gained weight so worked out twice as hard in January to 'make up').
It was around this time I came across a website on anorexia on the internet. I remember reading a list of 'symptoms''. I sat there reading and realising that every single one applied to me. I was genuinly shocked. The thought of me being anorexic genuinly hadn't crossed my mind. I immedietly told my boyfriend (who I'd been with for a while) and he persuaded me to tell my mum. It turned out my mum had suspected it for a while. She took me to the GP the following day where I got refered to an ED therapist.
March - September '05
I was shortly diagnosed with anorexia. For some reason this triggered something. My thought process was ''Well If I'm going to be anorexic I may aswell be good at it'' I continued losing weight. I saw my therapist on a weekly basis along with a nutritionist. I never planned on losing anymore weight, I recognised I was slim, underweight, but just stoppping wasn't that easy. I continued losing weight week by week and was often shocked at how I was still losing. Despite upping my calorie intake from roughly 600 to 1200 I was still losing weight.
By June I was 6 stone (84lbs). I still remmeber that day. Fiona (my therpist) used to come round the house. She'd bring this huge mechanical scale and she'd weigh me in my bedroom with only my underwear on (so I couldn't hide anything I presume) When it read out I was 6 stone I was shocked. I was aware just how low that was. I begun being scared for my health. She told me it was becoming more and more likely I'd have to go into hospital. The following week I binged, through the fear of being placed inpatient. My weight was up 3lbs the following week and I was disgusted with it. I quit the 'binging' and went back to 1200, again the weight dropped off.
By August my weight was hovering in the late 70's (5 stone 8-10).
By this point I was seeing various 'professionals' many times a week. My GP to get my bloodwork and blood pressure done, a doctor at the hospital to get my weight taken, my therapist to 'talk' and also to get my weight taken, my nutritionist (who I hated with a passion, no suprises there!) and 'd also started seeing another Dr through at a specialist adolescent mental health unit (which is where I would soon be IP)..
I'd also started binge/purging at least weekly.
After another week and yet another drop (I was now 75lbs, 5 stone 5) I was told this was my last chance. If my weight wasn't up by the following week I would be placed in IP. My mum and dad were told I ws in control of my eating this week (up until then my mum had been monitering my food and was with my every mealtime).
A couple days after that meeting it was my older cousins 21st. She had a party round her house and the whole family was there. I remember being sat with my cousins, I was hyper from starvation and couldn't stop talking and telling jokes. I remember the way they looked at me not knowing whether to laugh or cry. I was.. out of it.
It was that night I become frantically binging. It was as if my body had taken over of my mind. I came home and purged my heart out. My mum didn't know what the hell to do. She knew she couldn't stop me, hell I'd of purged infront of her I was so far gone. I spent the entire night eating and puking the contents of my kitchen.
The day after Dr L showed up at our house, with another doctor and a woman. A full week hadn't passed since I'd last saw them so I was confused as to why they'd came.
They told me I needed to be in hospital. I laughed telling them 'not a chance'. They then informed me that they had no option but to section me. I couldn't believe it. I ran upstairs and phone my boyfriend who just replied with ''H, you need to go, please, just go with them'. Bloody use he was!
They'd locked all the doors in my house to stop me trying to escape and an ambulance came. Crist they even asked if I wanted to have a stretched take me into it. ''No bloody thankyou, I'm not a fucking invalid'' I shouted and stormed into the ambulance realising there wasn't any other option.
Once I arrived I tried to rationalise the situation, telling myself I'd be out within a week. Little did I know I'd be there 6 months.
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Think I'll stop there for now, I'll continue later
x
Lets start with a bit about me.
I'm H (clearly not my real name, but thats what you're getting)
I'm 19.
I rather adore fashion.
I'll next update when the urge strikes.
